Secrets to Becoming a Sexy Mama
By Angela Timpone

What makes mama sizzle? It seems, from our informal Sex and Motherhood survey of over 150 Vermont mothers, it’s complicated. Overall, Vermont mamas divulged that they desire more sex, but life’s distractions—babies, nursing, sleepless kids, mopping the floors, co-sleeping, disruptive teens and such— got in the way.

We asked mothers this survey question, “What are the barriers to an active sex life?”

One mama responded with, “Kids! Even when the hellians get to bed and stay there, there is a good chance one of us was up most of the previous night, dealing with nightmares, sickness, who knows what, and is too pooped to pop.”

Forty-five percent of mothers surveyed reported that sleep deprivation was their top complaint.

Sexperts and Skin

Bottom line, mamas need sleep and sex, but the question is how to achieve those lofty goals with teens and toddlers running around at all hours of the night?

They need what sex therapists and married duo, Dr. Israel Helfand and Cathi Helfand, call “skin-on-skin” time. Skin-on-skin time may or may not end in orgasm. It could be savoring a shower together, or massaging each other. It’s a moment for couples to physically connect, but this takes time. And time is what mamas don’t seem to have.

The Helfands have an answer for all of us time-and-sleep deprived mamas: a “couple-centered” life. In a three-day intense, one-on-one tailored retreat, called Sexploration, the Helfands teach couples, who are often in crisis or on the verge of divorce, to re-establish their relationship through the couple-centered model. The Helfands argue that to be caring, loving parents who have a healthy intimate relationship, couples need to shift from a family-centered life to a couple-centered life.

A couple-centered life means putting your relationship ahead of your family and your work and carving out time on a regular basis for the relationship. Through scheduling weekly time together, you will reestablish why you were drawn to each other before children. However, for the magic to work and for your relationship to flourish, the Helfands encourage couples to throw-out the typical “date night,” sitting in silence at a restaurant table, and instead have fun.

Rediscover what you and your partner enjoy, whether it is mountain biking or bowling. Find that something and develop it together. After you have found the fun again, then it is time for S-E-X, but for some this might be a large hurdle to overcome.

The Madonna-Whore Complex

Some men find it difficult to do the nasty with the mother of their children. Israel Helfand advises that some men, after the birth of their child, see their wife only as a mother, not a sexual woman. One mama we surveyed screamed this at her husband, “HELLO...notice me...I am not just the cleaning, laundry guru... I am also a sexual goddess!”

Men are not the only ones who need time to adjust to new parenting responsibilities. Before jumping back into the sack, new mamas need time to physically heal after birthing and to fine-tune their new mother-role.

After initially adjusting to your new parenting roles, reintroduce speed dates, where you reconnect through short one-hour outings, like taking a walk, or even going for a drive in the car. Parenthood is not the time to stop the enjoyment of being a couple. Since mixing sex and motherhood can be difficult for some men (and women) to swallow, Dr. Helfand recommends couples try to step out of their parenting roles in the bedroom.

Connecting seems to be the most persistent obstacle to an active sex life. On the other hand, we found from our online survey that most moms complain that the everyday undone duties stomp out their hot desires. As one mom pointed out, she comes home from work and “finds he's neglected to give the baby a nap or a lunch and then wants (me) to hop in the sack with him.” The lack of household help and appreciation drags down many moms and kills their hunger for sex.

Milk-and-Cookie Mamas Want It

Eighty-two percent of the mothers who participated in our Sex and Motherhood survey were married and will be considered here as the “milk-and-cookie mamas” because they run the household, have the babies, often work, and have husbands. Many mamas reported in our survey that sex was the first thing to go after becoming a parent. That is true for “Isabella,” who has two boys, ages 5 and 7. (Editor’s note: All the mothers named in this article are pseudonyms intended to protect their identity.)  Like many other mothers, Isabella reported that after getting affection and being touched all day by her kids, she has little desire left for a sexual relationship with her husband.

Isabella and the other mamas we surveyed stated that regaining a regular libido after becoming a mother was one hurdle after another. At first it was recovering from birth, then it was nonstop breastfeeding and nurturing, and finally it’s the sleep schedule (or should I say lack of sleep schedule) that banished the lust.

Some moms experience vaginal pain and nipple discomfort for months and sometimes years after giving birth, which lead a few moms to say no to sex. After years of a pattern of birthing, nursing, nurturing, cleaning, organizing, and cooking, all while being sleep deprived, many mamas asked, can I still get blissed-out?

One surveyed mama recounted that a good night would include “the bath tub, red wine, and a good tabloid magazine,” not necessarily sex. Overwhelmed moms are exhausted and burned-out, but guess what? A sexual desire still lingers and often they go to great organizational lengths to get nooky.

Vermont mothers wrote in, explaining their strategies for finding the place and the time for sex. One mama wrote that, “Before [baby] there were facial hints and ass grabs. Now there are pre-sex conferences, where we discuss our [child] distraction plan: which toys to give him, who gets the bottle ready, whether to put him in the playpen or bring him into the bedroom with us. All this just doesn't put me in the mood.”

As for Isabella, her new tactic is to act on even the smallest sexual longing. During the day when Isabella feels a yearning for sex, she brews her sexual power by fending off the distractions of the undone chores and pressures of childcare. This helps her find the energy and desire to make love to her husband under the stars.

Dating Mamas Need It

Seventeen percent of the mothers surveyed said they were dating, which adds another layer to sex-while-mothering. To better understand the dating world for mamas, I spoke to “Josephine,” the mother of two [children], seven and nine, and a divorcee for the last four years. Josephine began dating three years ago after her nearly ten-year marriage ended. She has had about 15 dates and began relationships with about five suitors.

As much as Josephine misses having a long-term partner who cares as deeply for her children as she does, she says she is fine, for now, having casual relationships. “The kids always come first,” explains Josephine and that puts a wedge in a relationship even with men who have children.

“My instinct is to give my attention to my [kids, and then]… it gets resentful and then I don’t want to interact at all.”

The challenge to give attention to her children and the boyfriend ultimately has led Josephine to dump the boyfriend and head back to online dating because of what she calls, the “race against my body and loneliness.”  For years, while married, Josephine’s libido lay dormant until she hit her sexual peak, due to her more mature age and dating again. The gates were opened and she began trying new things like sex toys. Going to bars or picking-up men at school functions doesn’t interest Josephine, and work-relationships seem too messy, so she combs the dating websites for men to satisfy her lust.

As much as Josephine enjoys hitting her sexual stride while dating, she says there have been some awkward moments sneaking around, so the kids are not affected. Josephine recalled two near misses of embarrassment, both after her children returned from their dad’s house: once when her vibrator was sitting straight up on her desk, and another time finding a hidden condom wrapper in her bed.

Josephine discovered the vibrator and condom wrapper before the kids did, but these near-stories make her pause and reflect on the combination of dating, sex, and children, and how they often don’t mix. Since Josephine has introduced only three serious boyfriends to her girls, she says, “It’s stressful. Sometimes I feel like I am living a double-life.”

Josephine says she “needs a partner… some sex, (but) not a one-night stand.” The media images of the four-person family get Josephine down and she says it is difficult and isolating not to have a partner. But she won’t settle for just any guy. Overall, Josephine wants a partner who can participate in all aspects of her life, including her children, and that seems to be a tall order. “Sure, I could just drag the [kids] to a fancy restaurant to satisfy the boyfriend, but often I say to the boyfriend, ‘How about Pizza Hut?’” explains, Josephine.

Lesbian Mamas Got To, Too

“Amelia” married her ex-husband when she was young. About this she says, “I did not know who I was.” Shortly after getting married, Amelia got pregnant with her first son, then her second son, but something was missing. The “something” slowly hatched: Amelia preferred women, not men, as sexual and life partners.

When her boys were four and six-years-old, Amelia met her future wife, “Judith.” They dated for 13 years and tied the knot about two years ago. Amelia explains that, for her, sex with women tends to be more intimate because she has greater self-confidence and more open communication with Judith. However, Amelia does report the same pressures that are present in an opposite-sex marriage occur in a same-sex marriage.

For example, Amelia says, “We fight about the same stuff as everyone else does—money, kids, and communication,” which decreases the desire to have sex. One might think a same-sex relationship may be easier, but Amelia points out that it “doesn’t matter what the [gender] is, we each take on a particular role.” Amelia believes it might even be more difficult because, she says, women tend to be more passive-aggressive and more complex compared to men.

“Men are more out there. They say what they need to and then it’s done,” declares Amelia.

Besides feeling tired and not connecting, another challenge for Amelia and Judith are Amelia’s young adult sons who still live with them. Sometimes we say, “We love you and now get out,” to get some time alone, especially for sex. Having older kids at home poses a hurdle for a regular sex life, but they make this a priority by telling the boys when they need a break. Amelia explains that they have been talking about sex with the boys since they were young, so now sex is normalized.

Finding Your Sex Groove Again!

For most couples, sexual yearning still lives on, but for some, it needs dusting off and practice sessions. The Helfands suggest: begin slowly with discovering fun together again. What did you enjoy when you first dated? Try it again, or choose a new activity like dance lessons, bike riding, skiing, or hiking. Anything will work, as long as both of you enjoy the adventure.

To ensure dates actually happen, budget and seek out regular babysitters. Ask neighbors or other mothers for names of several good babysitters for dates, either day or night. You and your partner need time alone to have fun and rediscover your passion. If finances are limited, swap babysitting with family, friends or neighbors. To learn more about babysitting swaps, check out The Frugal Mama website below.

And remember couple-time can be anytime during the day, not just under the stars. You will be a better parent and a better partner (and perhaps a happier mama) if you have regular “adult breaks.”

During a date, Cathi Helfand advises you to “share something about yourself that your spouse does not know about you. Fun and interesting things are especially useful in building romantic and sexual energy.”

Dr. Helfand adds, “Couples should stop asking questions.” Questions impede sharing and instead couples should make statements for better communication. For instance, replace asking the dreadful question, “What did you do today?” with a statement like: “Today, I had a great day…” Or “I had an interesting day filled with…”

Try twenty-four hours without questions, even logistical-kids questions like, “Are you going to pick-up junior from daycare or am I?” As an alternative use a statement like, “I would like it, if you would pick up junior from daycare; I have a 5:00 meeting I just can’t miss.”

Israel Helfand points out that when you ask a question, you know, in your mind, your desired outcome. Instead, share information with your partner and tell them what you need.

Several mamas complained that by having children, they gave up spontaneity and that pre-sex conferences did nothing to make their blood run hot. Try to block-out some time for spontaneity. Instead of scheduling a babysitter to come on Saturday night so you and your partner can see the latest movie release, try something new. Still book the babysitter, but don’t make any plans and follow where the date takes you.

Israel Helfand insists that men love to be impulsive and having a night without an itinerary or direction would be a huge turn-on. Maybe you will end-up in the back of your minivan ripping off your clothes like two teenagers.

Speaking of teenagers, hone your former teen-self and spend some time sprucing up your look. After a day of mothering, feeding, playing, chauffeuring, working, and tutoring, some women find it difficult to feel good about their looks. A few simple tricks can make you feel sexy, again.

Get the grime off— shower every day. For extra sizzle ask your partner to join you for some pre-play action. After you get out of the shower immediately put on your make-up, toss your hair with product, and begin your day. To help you look good on-the-go, keep a make-up bag of moisturizer, concealer, foundation, and mascara in your bag or in your car. Instead of hanging-out in your pajamas all day, find your style and buy at least three everyday outfits to wear that make you feel confident and sexy.

And don’t forget schedule regular haircuts every six weeks with your favorite stylist. A bad hair day makes any woman feel unsexy.

Alone at Last

Along with psychically taking care of you, make time to recharge your batteries. Adding regular “me time” into your schedule can be as easy as a thirty-minute walk every night. Preserve your alone time, so later you have energy to devote to your partner. Join a book group, have dinner with friends, sit down with a book, or take a nap. Either way, find some space to rejuvenate.

Once recharged, sexual satisfaction, for mamas, doesn’t just begin and end in the bedroom (or on the kitchen table); it develops throughout the day, or even perhaps over months and years. According to Dr. Helfand, foreplay for men happens in the moments before actual intercourse, but for women heightened arousal takes all day.

Whether it is the kiss goodbye before walking out the door to work, a stroke down her body, or a glance across the dinner table, all this matters to women and gets them primed for action.

As one mama expressed it, “I would also like a little bit more play when we are not actually going to have sex. It sounds silly but it makes my day when he hugs me and grabs my ass, or French-kisses me. It makes me feel very attractive and sexy and loved. I bet he has no idea how much these tiny gestures fuel my fire!”

One more issue that drags down sex lives is staggered bedtimes. This leads to less time for intimacy which results in less nooky. Go to bed at the same time at least three nights a week. Figure out what nights are snuggle nights (and maybe sex nights) and stick to it. Turn-off the TV (which should not be in the bedroom), close your laptop, and jump into bed, naked.

While lying naked in bed, jumpstart your arousal by playfully groping— kissing, licking, light biting, to titillate your partner.  Doing the same sex moves or positions desensitizes the body and lessens the effects of your orgasm. Spice up your nooky with porn. Visual images simulate both partners; it can make a hot gift.

Another hot gift would be to expose your wild side and share your fantasies with your partner. Don’t be embarrassed or make your partner guess your fantasies. Give some direction. Tell your partner if you would like the local barista or the steamy carpenter in bed tonight. Ultimately, the foreplay will stimulate you and your partner to thirst for more and more sex.

Be willing to try new things— not just in the sack, but, yes, there too—and in all aspects of your life. Invite your friends to your house for a “Passion Party.” This is not your grandmother’s Tupperware party. Give your friends an opportunity to explore and buy sex toys like the Butterfly Vibrating Ring that pleasures your clitoris while extending your partner’s erection.

Or maybe time to remake the bedroom into a hot, love-making den; ask your partner to help buy new bedding and paint the walls. Use the opportunity to flirt and redecorate at the same time. While you are out buying paint with your partner, stop by the sex store to pick-up a new toy.

Tricks for a Couple-Centered Life

• For two weeks, test-drive a couple-centered life. Make your relationship important every day by setting guidelines and priorities. Have the kids go to bed earlier, so you have the evening hours to interact and play. Couples tend to lose “their time” in the evenings when the children’s bedtime extends into the late hours.
• Develop a family night-time schedule: homework and dinner preparation, family dinner, 30 minutes of family time, get ready for bed, 30 minutes of silent reading, and then lights out. While one partner organizes the kids’ bedtime routine, the other partner cleans-up after dinner. Post the schedule on refrigerator for all family members to follow.
• At least three nights a week after the kids are tucked into bed, have a mini-date night. Drag out your favorite games like Scrabble, Banana-grams, or play Wii bowling. Whatever your interest, have a few quick ideas for home activities for your evening couple’s time.
• For a successful couple-centered life, establish a regular date, night or day. Whether it is Tuesday afternoon or Friday night, every week you and your partner need time away from your kids to bond and have fun.
• Add foreplay to the entire day: a simple flirtatious glance or a love note tucked into your partner’s lunch bag, can stimulate the libido and get you primed for more action when the kids climb in bed (their own bed, of course).

Angela M. Timpone of Montpelier dared herself to write this and admits she sometimes had to look up the spelling of certain words. She and Vermont Woman are very grateful to the surprising number of mothers who responded to the survey. More typically Angela writes about autism, parenting, and mothering. Visit her webpage and look for her newest eBook about parenting and relationships, available in February.

Learn more at these websites:

Vermont Sex Therapists, Dr. Israel Helfand and Cathi Helfand

www.sexploration.org/

Non-Tupperware Passion Parties: The Ultimate Girls’ Night In

www.passionparties.com/

Angela M. Timpone’s website: www.parenting-autism.org/