I once took a four-day course about straight men. With 275 other women from around the country. For three nights and four days. In a windowless, clockless room. In Buffalo. Taught by one pompous, obnoxious, unbearable man, who was the creator of the course.

Here is how it started. We were all seated in a dimly lighted room by the logistics team, mostly men, and told not to speak for over an hour. This lasted until mostly everyone was sufficiently agitated. Next, the room darkened, and over a loud speaker a man’s voice boomed basic protocols and expectations for the next several days, including strict confidentiality.

Then quite suddenly the room went black, and there he was spotlighted on a pedestal high above us. With God-like intimidation, he formally opened the session with the following statement: Men are simple warriors. Women are neither. Give men what they want for 45 minutes every day, and you will get what you want. That includes praise, food, and, of course, sex.

Sue Gillis
Vermont Woman Publisher
Photo: Jan Doerler

But he did not let up. Next he said, There are hardly any reasons for divorce, including cheating, verbal abuse, laziness, lying, and the like. Women are 100 percent responsible for a successful and fulfilling marriage/relationship.

More shouting. I tried to walk out and was stopped at the door. No one was allowed to leave. Why? Because we had signed a waiver/agreement and paid a nonrefundable $600 fee before entering the room.

In those days, courses like this one were categorized as transformational workshops, which means no watches and no technical devices of any kind. Participants were deprived of food and sleep and could take only designated and accompanied bathroom breaks. And there was a certain amount of harassment. In other words, an uncomfortable, controlled environment designed to break down old barriers and open up an individual for the possibility of growth and change. Transformational coursework was not in the telling but in the experiencing.

The only reason anyone would subject herself to this is if she were desperate to change her life. Women who signed on did so because they were stuck in dysfunctional relationships with the men in their lives, either professionally or personally. They were desperate for solutions.

And we women arrived with a bags full of blame; damn sure what was wrong was not about us. Blame for everything was with The Men because They would not change. Translation: “Why can’t They be more like me?”

Change is tough, so no, we could not escape.

Sometime over the next many hours, by participating in powerful experiential exercises, we slowly began to integrate, on deeper and deeper levels, that the problems were rooted in our own erroneous gender behavior belief system. To change (and it helped if you were willing), we actively took part in several confronting public exercises. One was learning to moan. Moaning at various levels was designed to help us communicate nonverbally, as a way to express pleasure or not; a teaching device for women who wanted a more satisfying sexual relationship with their partners.

Women were asked to come up to the front of the room and practice moaning in front of the entire group. At first most were tenuous and shy. Soon, however, with eyes closed, authentic moaning took on a life of its own. Then for several minutes, all 275 of us in the room just moaned—as loud as we could, until it became deafening and hilarious. For sure, we got the point.

The moaning exercise has stuck with me for all these years since. It turns out that the course was not so much about men as it was about myself. Today, when I think about moaning, I do so with a smile, as the moaning gently reminds me that most of the time I am the one responsible for the success of my relationships by the choices I make.

Relationships are hard. Friendships harder. Life itself is riddled with way more sadness than joy; the world rife with meanness and chaos, all which constantly threaten our resolve to inner peace and stability, while we try to maintain our friendships and relationships.

Lately, I have been thinking about how best to maintain precious friendships: some are short, some last for years, a few for a lifetime. Knowing that each one is unique means that when lost no one will fill that space again. So having nothing do to with the “man course” or moaning, here are a few tips I have picked up along the way.

• Try to be the person you most admire, that is live big, not small. Don’t become the schmuck who hurt you.
• Recognize that we as individuals evolve—and not at the same rate, not at the same time, and not around the same issues; and yes, some not at all.
• Be authentic. Exactly what would be the point otherwise?
• Be kind. If you are performing acts of unkindness, you are in the wrong relationship.
• Be flexible. Cut the other person some slack. We are flawed, imperfect beings who from time to time screw up.
• Practice random acts of kindness, as in, “I know what you want and you are going to get it. Breakfast in bed—you got it.”
• Learn from the other person. Respect and embrace your differences. You will never know another completely.
• Support the other toward success. Believe in him or her. Encourage and celebrate.
• Nurture sweetly when sick or sad.
• Quit trying to be right. Do you want to be right or do you want the friendship?
• Flip the things that annoy you into endearments, as in: Isn’t she just adorable the way she sneezes!
• Don’t sweat the small stuff.
• Shut up and listen.
• Don’t be needy. Do not put all your stuff on one person—spread it around.
• Show up when needed.
• Be mad at the problem, the tone, or whatever it was that hurt you, not the person; for example, say, “What you said hurt me.” Then shut up and listen.
• Always, always be willing to talk the problem through. Then shut up and let it go.
• Forgiveness. You have to do a lot of forgiving to have a family and a long-term relationship. So let go and forgive.
• And finally: Don’t try to make them over to be just like you. Boring!

Here are my tips for when it’s time to let go.
You are with the wrong person, if that person...

• Is deliberately mean or cruel in a calculated or preplanned way, such as: I am going to do what I want, not what you want, and I do not care if it is mean or cruel or hurts you.
• Is prone to violating confidentiality and does so intentionally to be hurtful
• Is bigoted, sexist, or homophobic or obsessed with right-wing religious or political nuttiness
• Believes in controlling a woman’s right to make her own reproductive decisions.
• Is physically abusive. Once is enough to say so long, pal.
• Has become noninclusive, secretive.
• Is unable to love unconditionally, as in: I will only be with you if you are up to my idea of perfection.
• Is jealous of your success or gleeful at your shortcomings or failures.
• Has become indifferent to your feelings, that is, no longer cares how you feel.

If you are a dead-woman-walking in a friendship or relationship that is no longer working, you are simply destroying your marvelous spirit and severely limiting your ability to soar. So pack up and move on.

But hold close those friends and intimate relationships who are dear and precious. And when things get dicey, perhaps a good moan now and then will help.

So every once in a while, let out a good long moan! You do know how to moan, don’t you?

Suzanne Gillis is the Publisher of Vermont Woman.